Grief: You Don't Have to Carry a Heavy Heart in Silence

This is not the most inspirational post, but it it the most real. A few days ago my grandfather passed away due to old age. He was 81 years old, he made it to 2022, and almost made it to his 82nd birthday on Valentines Day. But sadly, God took him home. So today I want to talk about grief, but mostly my grief because I think for the past few days I haven't been allowing myself to feel the full affects of it. Which means I haven't fully accepted that my grandfather is gone. And in writing this, I have become more and more aware that my heart is completely shattered without him here. And that pain feels like it will never go away.

"The degree of pain you feel when you lose someone is equal to the degree of love you felt for them." - Megan Devine

That quote has kept me thinking a lot these past few nights. I loved my grandfather with all that I had, which means, this pain that I am feeling now that he is gone, is taking up all the energy I have left. And I have no idea how to push through it. And I have always been a good 'actor,' meaning I can hide my emotions really well. I carry a heavy heart in silence. But that is not a great attribute to have especially when I do have people I can lean on, so that I don't have to go through things alone. So I may look like I am doing okay, but in reality, my mind is like a house on fire and I am trapped inside it looking for a way out, and I just keep telling myself that I will just have to live through the third degree burns because nothing can help me.

But the more I have been trying to comprehend my grandfathers death, the more I am seeing that his death did not happen to me. It happened to him and it has affected me. So I have been trying to acknowledge the fact that this pain I am feeling is only temporary if I want it to be. I mean, I just lost my grandfather, and that pain and love I have for him will never go away. But the degree of pain I am feeling right now will go away. The void that I feel will close with time. I just have to stop pushing my pain away and stop ignoring it to be there for everyone else. The loved ones I have lost are probably up in Heaven screaming at me along side Jesus to stop, and let myself heal the right way.

But there is no right way to heal, everyone deals with grief differently, and for me I just push it all down so that I don't have to feel it, or I sleep so I don't have to feel it, or I smile so it looks like I have dealt with it. But then at the darkest hours of the night, when no one is around or awake, I cry and cry and cry myself to sleep, just to wake up the next morning with a smile on my face ready to be there for everyone else. But that stops now. I should be proud to cry and feel and be sad publicly, because my pain is real and I deserve to feel it whenever I want to.

Deep grief sometimes is almost like a specific location, a coordinate on a map of time. When you are standing in that forest of sorrow, you cannot imagine that you could ever find your way to a better place. But if someone can assure you that they themselves have stood in that same place, and now have moved on, sometimes this will bring hope. And trust me, there is hope. You don't have to carry a heavy heart in silence anymore. We can escape that burning building if we allow ourselves to be engulfed in it and allow the people around us to encourage and help, and as we cry and cry and cry, the flames with dissipate and we will be okay.

You will be okay.

"While grief is fresh, every attempt to divert only irritates. You must wait till it is digested, and then amusement will dissipate the remains of it." - Samuel Johnson

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Lindsay Anderson

January 7, 2022